


In Heaven and the Spaces Below

by darkroses



Series: Soulmates [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Forgiveness, Heaven, Hell, Love, Mild Gore, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Purgatory, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-02 22:29:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6585145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkroses/pseuds/darkroses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a sequel to My Soulmate's Secrets. It takes place after Sam and Dean die. Sam finds himself in Heaven and Dean finds himself some place very different. Sam journeys through Heaven in an attempt to find Dean. Dean struggles to find some place safe. </p><p>This is a story of unconditional love, forgiveness, and finding their way back to each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Heaven and Hell

**Author's Note:**

> My Soulmate's Secrets is my favorite fan fic that I wrote. I've been working on a short sequel for a while in my spare time. Anyways, to fully understand this story, it will be helpful to read My Soulmate's Secrets. If you don't want to read that story, you may have trouble following this one. That story is part one of this series.

Sam blinked his eyes open slowly. He found himself laying on the field behind Bobby’s house. It was where he used to keep his garden and greenhouse. Sam got up slowly and surveyed the area. It wasn’t real. Sam knew that. He could feel that and for the first time, Sam felt something odd. He could feel Dean, his soulmate, but Dean was hurting. It wasn’t a mental hurt; it was a physical hurt and Sam found himself unable to take away Dean’s pain like he had always done.

Sam stood up slowly while he held a hand over his heart. It was then Sam noticed it wasn’t beating. He held his hand up to his face and couldn’t feel his breathing. It was confusing and Sam wished he had someone here to explain to him what was happening.

He felt a slight breeze and Sam turned in the direction of the breeze. He smiled broadly when he saw the man in the distance and ran toward him. Once Sam reached the man, he reached his arms around Garth and he heard Garth laugh. It made Sam smile despite what he was feeling from Dean.

Sam pulled away from Garth and looked at his arms. He frowned and said with confusion, “My scars are gone. I… I don’t know where I am.”

Garth smiled sadly and rested a reassuring hand on Sam’s shoulder, “You’re in Heaven. You are separated from your soulmate because Dean has to pay for his mistakes. Bessie is separated from me for the same reasons. Once they pay their dues and we forgive them, they will join us here.”

Sam felt a couple of tears leave his eyes and grabbed back on Garth because Garth felt like the only thing that was real. Sam sobbed a little and whispered out, “I don’t want Dean to suffer.”

Garth rubbed his back and comforted Sam. They sat down on the ground with Garth still holding Sam. Garth whispered carefully, “Winnie, it is okay. Dean will be fine.”

Sam sniffled and protested, “He is hurting. I want it to stop.”

Garth hummed for a moment then he said quietly, “Winnie, there is no time in Heaven. Everyone you knew in life is dead even though it feels like only moments have passed. I have found a way to journey to different Heavens. That is how I found you. We can go visit others while we wait for Dean’s return.”

Sam turned around and looked. He asked carefully, “Is this my Heaven?”

Garth smiled and said happily, “It is one of your Heavens. You have different rooms that are different moments in time. You’re not at the highest level of Heaven because Dean was unfaithful and because of the stuff Azazel did to you.”

Sam rested his head on Garth’s shoulder as he looked up at the sky. It was perfect. It reminded him of the many days he would lay out in Bobby’s yard and watch the clouds pass by. It was simple, peaceful, wondrous, and perfect. Dean never appreciated it. Sam wondered for a moment why Dean was being punished and he wasn’t. Surely, he deserved to suffer to or maybe his loneliness was his suffering.

Sam thought in silence for a few moments then he asked, “Why do you think I am not being punished too?”

Garth moved to look Sam in the eye and he said carefully, “You died because of Dean. He killed you. Bessie.. She didn’t directly kill me like Dean did you, but she aided in it. She didn’t listen to me or try to save me.”

Sam frowned a little and said, “But if I die then Dean dies so he killed himself.”

Garth sighed and whispered, “I know.”

Sam eyes filled with tears and he said tearfully, “But suicides go to Hell.” It took some time for Sam process that Dean was probably in Hell while he got to bask in Heaven. It didn’t feel right. He had to save Dean. Sam whispered to Garth, “I have to save him.”

++

Some journeys are difficult. In some journeys the road ahead is unknown. Sam had felt uncertain and afraid before. He had faced difficulty in his life and now even in death he couldn’t be at peace. Sam longed to find his soulmate but he didn’t know where to start. The knowledge that there were doors to visit anyone in Heaven did not ease Sam’s mind. There was no door to Dean and for Sam that was an important door.

Sam didn’t know if Dean ever really truly loved him or not. He didn’t like to ask himself those questions. He didn’t like to think about the implications of those questions. Rather, he liked to think that Dean didn’t kill him. Dean set him free. Sam knew he was trapped inside his body for years before he died. He could hear everything that went on around him so that made it better. He didn’t like listening to his dad argue with Dean when Dean did come to visit.

Sam found it interesting that Ben would confide all of his secrets to him. Sam supposed he was good at keeping secrets, as he was left unable speak for the last years of his life. He liked hearing about Ben’s life and about Claire. He wished he could have smiled sometimes but he couldn’t. Sometimes, Sam envied Ben and Claire just like he envied Gabriel and Castiel. Their soulmates were always there and Sam could feel that they loved each other unconditionally. Sam had never felt unconditional love from Dean.

Although Dean may have felt differently, Sam loved Dean unconditionally and more than anything in life and in death, Sam wanted Dean to be happy. If he could Sam knew he would take Dean’s place in Hell. But he couldn’t. God and God alone decided their fates.

Sam wandered to a door inside his Heaven and opened it with Garth trailing behind him. It was his room at John’s house. Sam’s paint cards were under the desk and the walls were filled with drawings. There was an emptiness to the room. Sam sat down on the floor and laid down next to pillow that was positioned near his desk. Sam knew this was where Dean would lay.

He rested his hand on the pillow as a couple of tears fell down his face as he hoped he could just feel Dean even if it was just for a moment. He could feel an ache from Dean but nothing more. He whispered to the pillow in the hope that Dean could hear, “I love you.” Sam flexed his hand on the pillow and he felt something under his hand. It was small and plastic.

Sam picked it up and brought it to his line of sight. It was his toy army man. The toy Dean left at Meg’s house one day that Sam kept hidden for years. For years it was the only piece of Dean, Sam had. Sam cried when he thought about how this toy was all he had of Dean in death. It wasn’t fair to Sam.

Garth sat down near Sam and said quietly, “Winnie, it’s okay. He won’t be there forever.”

Sam sobbed a little as the sense of loss overtook him. He wiped his eyes and said weakly, “If we can go to different Heavens maybe we could find God. Maybe we could ask God to.. to give me Dean back.”

Garth frowned a little and said quietly, “I don’t know where to start with that. Maybe if we work our way up in Heaven we can find God.”

Sam wiped his eyes and asked, “How do we do that?”

Garth shrugged and said, “I don’t know. Maybe we should visit our friends.”

Sam nodded and sat up. He admitted, “I would like to see Dad and Uncle Bobby. I.. I want to meet their soulmates. Uncle Bobby and Dean always talked about Aunt Karen. Do.. Do you think she will like me?”

Garth smiled and stood up. He reassured, “What is not to like about you? You’re smart, kind, and we are going to find a way to pull Dean out of Hell.”

++

Dean looked around a grey forest. It was terrifying. The place was crawling with monsters. Dean had always thought monsters were a fairy tale but they weren’t they were real. Dean knew that freeing Sam had consequences. He had expected it lower their place in Heaven, but he did not expect to end up someplace like this. Dean knew he had to find Sam.

He could feel an ache from Sam like he always did but this one was different. Sam was lonely. Sam had been lonely in life but it felt profoundly amplified now. The only thing he could feel from Sam was how lonely he was. However, Dean knew Sam wasn’t afraid or scared. He figured that would make sense because Sammy spent twelve years of his life in a nightmare. Waking up in a monster filled forest probably didn’t raddle Sam too much.

Dean yelled out into the forest, “Sammy!”

He heard the rustle of trees and then from the tree line a little boy about five or six stepped out. This little boy had chestnut brown hair and big hazel eyes. The boy was wearing blue pajama pants and nothing else. He had a collar round his neck and Dean could see bite marks on the little boy’s body. It made Dean shudder and he felt afraid as he stepped toward the boy. As he got closer, he read the soulmate name on little boy’s arm. It read _Dean Winchester._

Dean took a slow breath and said questioningly, “Sammy?”

The boy looked past him and around. Then the boy pointed at the last name on his arm.

It didn’t take Dean much to figure out what was happening. Dean whispered out, “Winnie.” This was an earlier Sam. A Sam that didn’t know he was Sam. A Sam whose name was Winnie or Boy.

The little boy nodded then he took a step away. Sam pointed behind Dean and was when Dean saw people approaching with fangs. Vampires, Dean realized absently. Sam was covered in bite marks. Vampires bit so he was now going to have to face the vampires. Dean closed his eyes because he didn’t know how to do this while protecting a little boy.

Dean didn’t know what else to do so he picked up Sam and took off running. He could hear the people chasing him and the only thing running through Dean’s mind was that he had to get away. He had to protect Sam. He held this child version of Sam’s head close to chest. Sam’s arms held onto his shirt and his legs were wrapped around his waist. Dean begged God to spare Sam from this.

He deserved this but Sam didn’t.

As if God answered him, the footsteps behind him disappeared and Dean found himself by a river. He sat down by the water with Sammy. He still held onto Sam. Dean whispered into Sammy’s ear, “I am so sorry. I’ll get you out of here. I promise.”

The Sam in his arms showed no reaction and Dean knew he had to get Sam to talk to him. Dean felt around on the collar around Sam’s neck. He felt a lock in the back. Dean sighed. He carefully laid Sam down with his head on a rock. Sam eyed him suspiciously, but didn’t try to run away. Dean took a smaller rock and beat the lock off around collar.

Once the lock was broken, Dean removed the collar. He tossed it on the ground and begged, “Sammy… Winnie, talk to me.”

The little boy touched his neck and said softly, “I want my Gar.”

Dean pulled Sam in for a hug and said adamantly, “We’ll find him. I’ll get you and Gar to Heaven, okay?”

The little boy nodded and clutched onto Dean. Dean looked up at the sky for the first time since he found himself in the forest. The sky was grey like everything else. Instead of clouds in the sky, Dean saw pillows. Dean held onto Sam with everything he had but not tight enough to crush the little boy.

Dean didn’t know if he was in Hell with Sam or purgatory. All he knew was he was going to find a way, anyway to get Sam out of here. Sam deserved to be in Heaven with Garth, Dad, or Uncle Bobby. Dean knew he owed Sam this. He owed Sam a shot at Heaven.

He heard rustling in the tree line again and Dean whispered. “We have to get moving, Winnie.”


	2. Uncle Bobby

Garth showed Sam how to open a door to another Heaven. It wasn’t hard and Sam found himself stumbling into the salvage yard. Sam wasn’t sure what Heaven he was in but it was clear the salvage yard was a thing of beauty. The air smelled of freshly baked pies and he could hear a woman humming.

Sam still held his army man in his hand. He looked at it for a moment before he put it in his jeans pocket for safe keeping. Garth didn’t say anything about the action. Sam knew that Garth understood that Dean was important to him. He walked through the salvage yard until he came across Uncle Bobby’s house. It looked cleaner than Sam remembered. The paint looked fresher and more welcoming.

He carefully walked up the steps to the back porch and opened the door. Sam stepped inside and saw a woman baking pies in the kitchen. Sam had seen photographs of her before. He knew this was Aunt Karen. Sam spoke politely and softly, “Excuse me, but I.. I am looking for my Uncle Bobby.”

The woman turned around and smiled at him warmly. Sam wasn’t sure what to do with that. It made him uneasy. The woman breathed out, “Sammy.” Sam for his part still didn’t know what to say. He glanced at Garth for encouragement only to see a look of protectiveness on his friend’s face. The woman shook her head and grinned. He voice was a little stronger now, “I’m sorry, Sammy. Bobby told me a lot about you and I’ve loved you from the moment you were conceived. I am your Aunt Karen. I won’t hurt you or your friend.”

Sam nodded slowly and kept his voice soft, “Hi Aunt Karen. Dean spoke about you a lot. He said you made pies for him.” He wasn’t sure what to do. This place didn’t feel like Uncle Bobby’s house. The shelves weren’t covered in a layer a dust. Instead of Bobby’s kitchen table being covered with Sam’s artwork and supplies, it was covered with pie.

Aunt Karen grinned warmly. Then she turned her head and shouted down the hallway, “Bobby, Sammy is here.”

It was a moment later when Sam saw his uncle. Bobby looked younger. The stress wrinkles were gone from around his eyes and his clothes didn’t look so worn. Bobby pulled Sam in for a hug which Sam happily returned. His uncle pulled away from him a little and sounded a little awestruck, “You’re looking good, kiddo. It’s been so long, Sammy. We’ve all missed you.”

Sam ducked his head a little because he felt slightly undeserving of being missed. He whispered out, “How long did you live?”

Bobby ran his hands down Sam’s arms as if he was mesmerized. Sam knew that the scars were gone so the skin likely felt different now. Bobby still sounded shocked when he said, “I lived another five years. Everything was too much for me and my heart gave out. I.. I didn’t know how to handle burying you. We didn’t know if we should bury you next to Dean or not.”

Sam frowned a little as he pulled away from Bobby. It seemed like to Sam that even in death, he didn’t like to be touched a lot. Sam shook his head and asked, “Was I?” He paused and tried to be clearer, “Was I buried next to Dean?”

Bobby looked stricken and said sadly, “You were. Ben insisted you would have wanted that and your daddy agreed. Adam was opposed to it. He though Dean wronged you and him which Adam was right about. We only had a service for you though. It was the worst day of my life. Burying you hurt more than burying Karen.”

Sam didn’t understand. He didn’t understand how losing a nephew hurt more than losing his soulmate. Garth spoke up from behind him. “I don’t think Winnie understands.”

Bobby nodded and sat down at the table. Sam sat down next to Bobby at the table and Garth sat down across from Sam. They were silent while Karen served them each a piece of pie. Once they started eating, Karen sat down next to Garth with her own piece. Sam watched her for moment. She seemed quite different from Bobby.

Karen spoke warmly and kindly, “Sammy, what your uncle is trying to say is that I had a great life. A short life, but a great life. I got to see and do things. I got to explore the world with Bobby and I raised Dean for a time. In a way, I got to be a mother. You never got to experience life like I did.”

Sam lowered his head and picked at his pie. He argued weakly, “I did live life. I..I got to see the sky and the ocean. I fell in love with Dean and I learned that not everyone in the world wants to hurt me. I did get to be a father to Ben. Even after I sacrificed myself for Dean and I couldn’t do anything anymore, Ben would still talk to me. He would run things by me and I know I never replied but he always seemed to make good choices.” Sam paused and sighed, “I didn’t have a great life and I suffered a lot but I am okay with that. Dean was happy.”

Bobby finished his pie and pushed his plate away. He asked, “Where is Dean?”

Sam looked away from his uncle and whispered out, “Hell, I think. I can feel him hurting. I want to save him.”

Bobby looked at Sam sharply and asked with an edge to his voice, “Why?”

Sam looked away and admitted, “Because I love him and I am lonely without Dean. He didn’t kill me out of malice. I know in my soul that he did it out of mercy. He doesn’t deserve Hell any more than I do.”

Bobby ran his hands over his face and muttered, “Fine. We’ll figure out how to look for your brother. I do think we should run this idea by your daddy. We can’t let you get stuck in Hell.”

Sam smiled and said quietly, “Thank you, Bobby.”

Bobby grinned and stood up, “Now, we have time because there is no time in Heaven. So why don’t we go outside.”

Sam nodded and agreed. They all shuffled outside to where Sam’s greenhouse was in life. In Heaven, his greenhouse was much more impressive. Sam ran his fingers over the different rows of plants. He tasted a mint leaf that tasted just as real here as it did in life. It saddened Sam as he looked at this.

His greenhouse was one of his favorite things. It filled him with so much joy, wonder, and curiosity. It wasn’t just watching a plant grow that Sam loved. He enjoyed everything about the process. He enjoyed picking out the seeds and the enjoyed eating the plants. Sam even enjoyed doing the dishes.

Sam realized that in Heaven, he would never go hungry. He would never have to do the dishes or eat. He would never have to grow food. Sam remembered not having food and being hungry. He remembered what it was like to have food but not be hungry. Sam still didn’t know why John, Bobby, and Dean always asked him if he got enough to eat.

Sam looked up from the mint and glanced at Bobby. He questioned, “Why did you always ask me if I had enough to eat?”

Bobby frowned and said slowly, “I wanted to make sure you weren’t hungry.”

Sam nodded and turned back to the mint. He fiddled with the leaves as he said, “I was sometimes. I thought that if I started asking for food I would be hurt or punished. I thought I should be grateful because you and Dad fed me before my stomach started to cramp. Was it okay to ask for more?”

Bobby put a gentle hand on Sam’s shoulder and whispered, “Yeah, Sammy, it was. I wish I had known you felt like that.”

Sam shrugged and stated, “Dean knew when I was still hungry.”

++

One thing Dean noticed about the Little Sammy that he had with him was that this Sammy was different. He had a certain innocence about him that Sam, the Sam Dean knew, didn’t have. Dean knew this was Sammy when he was younger or a version of Sammy at least. Dean was sitting on the ground in the grey forest with Sammy on his lap. The ground of the forest wasn’t dirt, leaves, weeds, or even grass. It was shag carpet.

He knew that this world was a mess of his memories and Sam’s memories. Dean just wanted to get him and Sammy someplace safe. He wanted to get Sammy to Garth or Dad. It mattered to Dean what happened to himself but it mattered more to him what happened to Sammy.

Dean felt Sam pick up his hand and start to play with the fingers. Sammy would wiggle a finger a mutter, “Are you bad man?” Then Sam’s voice would change as he wiggled another finger, “No, I am not the bad man. I have candy.” Sometimes when Sam played, it scared Dean. He knew that candy had a very specific connotation for Sam.

Dean sighed and started to stand up. He held Sam on his hip and looked into Sam’s big hazel eyes. He said kindly, “What do you say we find something to eat, Winnie?” Sam would not answer to Sam or Sammy no matter how many times Dean told him that was his name.

Sam giggled and hid his head in Dean’s shirt. Dean didn’t understand what was so funny. They had been wandering around this forest for days and he didn’t feel hungry or thirsty until recently. Dean let Sammy giggle and then Sammy pointed off in one direction, “We have to get a hurts to get food.”

Dean gritted his teeth and started off in the direction Sam pointed. He had no idea why he was listening to Sam but he was. They walked for hours. Actually, Dean walked and carried Sammy. He let Sam walk sometimes but if Dean thought anything was near, he picked Sam up. There was no way, anything was going to hurt Sam. All said that faint feeling of hunger turned into starving by the time Dean actually saw food.

Actually what Dean saw looked like a dump, Food was rotting on top of other uneaten food. Some of it may or may not have been vomit. Dean didn’t want Sammy to eat here. There were other people there too off in the distance. Dean stared at them and realized who these people were. They were the faces of the other children rescued for Alistair’s warehouse. All of them were murdered shortly after Dean was attacked and Sam was left in a vegetative state. Dean had always blamed himself for their deaths.

Dean swallowed hard. He knew he had to find something for Sammy to eat. Dean shifted through the dump until he found a half-eaten apple and some bread. He found a place to sit down and he gave the food to Sammy. Dean watched as Sam took a bite of food then Sam offered him a bite. Dean took small bites in the hope Sam would get enough to eat. He noticed though that Sam also took small bites.

When the food was gone Sam smiled and declared, “We shared.” Dean smiled at Sam and didn’t know what to say. However a moment later, Dean’s smile faded when Sam started to cry and fresh bruises appeared on Sam’s body.

Dean wrapped his arms around Sam and covered as much of the boy as possible from the invisible blows. He felt the blows hitting his own skin. The pain was unimaginable. It was the worst thing Dean had ever felt multiplied by at least ten. Sammy sobbed in his arms and Dean let his own tears fall.

Dean whispered into Sammy’s hair after the pain stopped, “I’m sorry Sammy. I’ll protect you better.”

Sammy pulled back from Dean a little and now Dean saw an older version of Sam. This Sam was about twelve and had scars littering his body. The innocence in the younger Sam’s eyes were gone. This Sam was scarred deeply. Sammy signed to him, “Dad protects me, not you.”

Dean opened his mouth and closed it a few times. Finally he found his voice, “I am doing my best to protect you. I.. I will get you out of here. I promise. I will get you some place safe with Dad or Garth or whoever you want.”

Sam stood up and shook his head. He signed, “No, you won’t. You’ll forget about me.” Dean watched as Sam started to walk away from him. For some reason, Dean just sat there and let this happen for a few moments.

Then Dean came to his senses. Dean started to run after Sam but when he caught up with Sam, his little brother disappeared before his eyes. Dean yelled around the dump, “Sam! Sammy!” Dean felt lost and afraid without Sam. His body still hurt from the invisible beating, but what hurt more was Sam being gone.


	3. Ash

Ash never got to see his dream of a human like robot come to life. He was well on his way to attaining his dream but sometimes there are mechanical failures. And sometimes those mechanical failures lead to fires. And sometimes those mechanical failures lead to explosions. Ash’s cause of death may or may not have been caused by an explosion in his basement. He declines to comment on that much to the dismay of his soulmate Jo.

Ash never knew his soulmate in life. They never had the opportunity to meet. She worked as a waitress at her parents bar her whole life. She never got the chance to leave. Jo was stuck for all intents and purposes. Her life consisted of being hit on by drunken men and wondering if her soulmate was drunk.

It was one of Ash’s great accomplishments to be able to tell her that he was not a drunk but he did like root beer. She didn’t like the idea of his favorite place to sleep being a pool table, but she never judged him for that and she even warmed up to the idea of the pool table being a love nest. It did take some coaxing because he had to show her how the pool balls and cues could enhance her experience.

When Ash wasn’t ravaging his soulmate or working on his robot which was a whole lot less fun in Heaven, he let his mind shift to his patients. Sometimes he wondered about Sam. He really didn’t want to see Sam end up in Hell because of Dean. That didn’t seem fair to him but just as life wasn’t fair, neither was death.

Ash walked outside to sit on his porch. He sat down a can of root beer and stared at the sunlight. Heaven, for all of its glory, lacked only one thing. It wasn’t real. Everything was always perfect so nothing unexpected ever happened. Heaven lacked adventure.

He was about to go find Jo when he caught sight of a door opening and closing seemingly out of nowhere. It was Sam and his friend, Garth that stepped through the door. This was unexpected and quite possibly the most exciting thing that has happened since Ash met Jo.

Ash took another swig of his root beer before he tossed the can down and walked over to Sam. It was good to see Sam standing. He remembered Sam after the attack. Ash would stop by every couple weeks and talk to Sam about different things. It was mostly stuff that Ash knew interested Sam. He would talk about art and the weather. Sam always loved the changing seasons and the sky. Ash smiled when he thought about the simple things that brought Sam joy. He wished he could have appreciated the little things like Sam.

Ash smiled and said happily as he signed, “Sammy, is that really you?”

Sam ducked his head shyly. Sam did that sometimes when he was afraid or uncertain. It didn’t surprise Ash at all when Sam opted to sign instead of speak. It was easier for Sam to sign. “Yes, I hope it is okay that I stopped by.”

Ash was excited. This was great. Sam made it to Heaven. Ash sent a silent thank you to God and the angels for that. He couldn’t hold back his grin and excitement. Ash continued to sign as he spoke, “Of course, it is okay. I’ve worried about you. How are you?”

Sam shrugged and signed carefully, “I am okay. I just got done spending time with Uncle Bobby and Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen showed me how to make pie and Uncle Bobby watched it rain while the stars shined.” Sometimes, Ash forgot that in Heaven, anything could be created. Stars shining in the rain. It sounded beautiful.

Ash grinned at Sam and he said honestly, “That sounds amazing. I’ve been working on my robots and bonding with Jo. She is amazing, but she values her alone time.” After a lifetime of being in a crowded bar, Jo liked to sit at the edge of cliff and watch the world go by. It was a cliff from one of Ash’s memories. The year after Sam’s death, he went on a pilgrimage through India. It was there he found a cliff far away from everyone. He could still see people below working on various simple tasks like farming and cooking. It was peaceful to him and Jo felt the same.

++

A short time later, Ash found himself sitting on his pool table with Sam. They were pushing the balls around the table like they used to do. Garth was sitting outside because the idea of the pool table made him uneasy. That was fine with Ash. Ash missed talking to the boss.

As the balls rolled Sam asked, “Why am I not with Dean?”

Ash didn’t have an answer for that. He had theories but they were just that theories. Instead of voicing those theories, he turned the question around. “What caused God to allow you to journey through Heaven but not Dean?”

Sam was silent for a long time and the balls rolled gently between them. When Sam did speak his voice was soft and childlike, “I forgive Dean for what he did to me and the mistakes he made but I.. I don’t think Dean forgives himself.”

Ash hummed for a moment before he asked, “So you think perhaps it isn’t God that is punishing Dean, but Dean is punishing himself?”

Sam shrugged and decided to sign his response, “I don’t know. I know what he did was wrong, but I did bad things in my life too. It doesn’t make sense for me to in Heaven and him to be in Hell. I can feel him hurting and I want to save him but I am afraid.”

Ash could think of a number of things that Sam could be afraid of. He asked kindly, “What are you afraid of? You’re one of the strongest people I know.”

Sam let out a slow breath and signed, “What if for Dean to get out of Hell, I have to go Hell? I.. I have been tortured before, but I think Hell would be different. I think the hurt would be worse than I could ever imagine. I don’t want to feel that way.”

Ash studied Sam for a moment then he said carefully, “Sammy, I don’t want to see you go to Hell. You’re in Heaven and yes, Heaven can be boring but this is what God wanted. Aside from that, if you have forgiven Dean but Dean has not forgiven himself then maybe for Dean to ascend with you to Heaven, he will also have to forgive himself.”

Sam didn’t say anything for a while. He did push a couple of the balls into the pockets on the pool table. Then he said softly, “I can feel his guilt. What should I do?”

Ash frowned, “What do you want to do?”

Sam looked intently at the eight ball as he said, “I want to find my dad.” Sam paused and stated signing, “Maybe I need to forgive Mary but I don’t know how.”

Ash had no idea how Sam could forgive Mary either. There was no simple way to forgive a woman that was the reason why Sam was held in captivity. And even though Mary was already dead, Ash blamed her for when Dean was attacked and what happened to Sam as a result. He knew he could never share that with Sam, but he hated Mary Campbell.

++

Dean looked up at the sky as night fell. He hadn’t found Sammy and he screamed himself hoarse calling out Sammy’s name. Night always scared Dean in this place. He didn’t trust the darkness. Dean closed his eyes while he hoped Sam was safe. He didn’t understand why Sam was acting this way but he knew Sam had good reason. Sam had over a decade of reasons to make his life a living Hell.

The truth was Dean didn’t know if he could forgive himself for what he did to Sam. He let Sam suffer because for over a decade he was too weak just to let Sam die. Dean knew he should have let Sam die all those years ago, but he was selfish. He knew he deserved this and so much more.

Dean snapped his eyes open as he felt the ground move. He looked up at the sky and he saw the stars falling. One by one they burned all the way to the ground. It was beautiful in its own right but it was also terrifying. Dean ducked away as one of the falling stars fell close to him. As it came closer into view, Dean saw a person with wings. It was angel.

He stepped out of his hiding place and stared at the sky. Dean could see it better now. The angels falling from the Heavens. It didn’t make sense to Dean. Angels were supposed to protect humanity. Dean glanced around and saw Sam standing near one of the winged bodies.

Dean yelled, “Sammy!” And he ran over to his brother. Sam didn’t look up or acknowledge him. Dean stopped when he got to Sam. As he caught his breath, Dean asked, “Why did you run away from me, Sammy? You scared me.”

Sam continued to stare at the angel. Then Sam said something that Dean knew he had never told Sammy, “Mary always told you before bed that the angels were looking over you. Who looked over me?”

Dean did not have an answer for that question. He stared at the body of the angel for a moment and he had to remind himself that this wasn't really an angel. It was pieces of Sam's memory or reasoning, Dean wasn't really sure. Dean was pretty sure he knew what the symbolism was with the angel's falling was. It meant there was no one watching over Sam. Dean wondered, not of the first time, what it must of been like for Sam to cry out to God, the angels in Heaven, his soulmate, or anyone for help and no one to come help him. Dean knew that in life, he never even eased Sam's pain. 


	4. Mother

Sometimes Sam thought that forgiveness was the most difficult of tasks. Sam enjoyed his time with Ash and Jo. He went to a bar for the first time. Actually, it was a memory of Jo’s but the smell of liquor was removed for his benefit. Sam knew it wasn’t quite the same but he still enjoyed it. He talked about with Ash about different things while he was there.

It was from his talks with Ash that Sam decided to do something that he never had a chance to do in life. He decided to seek out his mother. He wanted to know why. He wanted to forgive her. He wanted Mary to know that he forgave her. It was just Sam wasn’t there yet. The physical scars did not follow him to Heaven. His mental scars healed and didn’t ache anymore but his feelings followed him to Heaven. His memories followed him to Heaven and Sam remembered everything.  Sometimes, Sam wondered if it would have better if he could forget.

Still, he traveled with Garth to Mary’s Heaven. It hurt Sam to know that despite everything Mary did she still made it to Heaven. It was the lowest level of Heaven and Sam could feel the cool air of Hell through this domain.

Sam glanced at Garth and said with uncertainty, “I am scared.”

Garth put a reassuring hand on Sam’s shoulder. He said confidently, “We don’t have to do this, Winnie. We can just go back to my Heaven or yours. We could even go find your dad or Gabriel and Castiel.”

Sam let out a slow breath and shook his head. He steadied his breath and said to the ground, “No, I.. I always wondered, you know? I think this will give me closure and maybe it will bring me closer to Dean.”

Garth frowned slightly and asked softly, “What if this doesn’t bring your soulmate back?”

Sam let a couple tears fall down his face as he said, “Then at least I will know why she had to destroy us.”

It was then a man appeared in Sam’s field of vision. The man was tall and bald. He asked sharply, “Who are you and why are you here?” This man did not seem friendly. He seemed cold and distant.

Garth spoke for Sam which Sam was okay with. Garth said in a placating manner, “We are sorry to disturb you. My name is Garth Fitzgerald and this is Sam Winchester. We are looking for Sam’s mother, Mary Campbell.”

The man grumbled and spat, “It figures that my Mary would give birth to a fucking fag.”

Sam glanced up at the man. This man’s eyes were filled with hate and it gave Sam hope that maybe just maybe Dean wasn’t in Hell. Dean never had this kind of hate inside of him. Sam spoke softly, “Garth isn’t my soulmate. He is my friend. My soulmate is my older brother, Dean. He is also Mary’s son.”

The man glared and shouted, “Mary.”

A short time later, Sam saw a pretty blonde haired woman in a white dress. She was beautiful and Sam could see a little of Dean in her. The woman stood about ten feet away from him and Sam couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Sam wondered if just for a moment if perhaps his mother ever loved him.

Mary put a gentle hand on the bald man’s arm and said gently, “It is okay, Dad.” Then she turned her attention to Sam. She said hesitantly, “Sammy, I would like you to meet my soulmate, Samuel. He was my father.”

Sam felt his anger flare inside of him which wasn’t something he had felt much of in his life. Anytime he had ever felt angry it usually resulted in him being tortured for feeling such a way. Sam took a few slow deep breaths even though no air entered his lungs. He found his voice that was once stolen from him. “You gave me to a monster because of Dean. You didn’t like siblings being soulmates, but yet you own father is yours. I don’t understand. What did I do wrong? I was just a baby.”

Mary sighed and crossed her arms. She was defensive. “I wanted you and Dean to have a normal life. I wanted you to have something I never had. It’s not that I don’t love my dad; it is just I never got to fall in love until after he left and I met John. John could never make me feel complete but I thought that if the two of you didn’t know each other than maybe you could find that completeness with someone else.”

Sam was silent for a few moments. He nervously said, “I’ve never felt complete even with Dean.  I don’t know how Dean felt. You shouldn’t… you shouldn’t have done that to us… to me.”

Samuel, the tall bald man, snapped, “Oh boo who, you had to grow up without your soulmate. Cry me. I can tell Mary didn’t raise you. John raised you to be weak. I always hated that asshole.”

Sam turned his gaze away from Samuel and he whispered, “I was tortured for twelve years. I was raped and mutilated. I was broken of speaking. I never saw the sky until my soulmate showed me. I wasn’t given to a nice man. I was given to man that trafficked children. I entertained his business partners. I was twelve years old when I met my dad at a hospital. My dad never hurt me and he loved me. I am not strong but he helped me become stronger than what I was when I was rescued.”

Garth grabbed hold of Sam’s arm and nudged him gently, “I think we should go.”

Sam nodded in agreement. He started to walk away but he stopped. Sam turned around and looked Mary in the eye. He said confidently, “I want you to know I forgive you for what you did to Dean and me. I got to meet Garth and Dean had a son so I got to be a father. I wouldn’t trade Ben or my friendship with Garth for the best life.”

Sam grabbed hold of the door and stepped out of his mother’s Heaven. He had no desire to go back to her. Sam found closure and he meant what said. He was grateful for Garth and even Ben. It did leave him feeling confused, though. Sam didn’t understand why Samuel was so angry toward him. Samuel was his grandfather but the more Sam thought about it the more he realized that he must not mean anything to his grandfather. And Sam was okay with that.

++

Dean sat on a ledge overlooking what he could only believe was chaos. There was blood, death, and pain. A pit was below him and people stood in a pool of blood. Dean could hear the blood moving over their screams. These people did not look bad. They were women, children, men, and angels with broken wings. They were young and very old. They didn’t deserve this. Dean was certain of it.

In the middle of all of this Dean caught sight of Lisa. His heart skipped a beat because Dean knew Lisa. He had married her on the worst day of his life. Here in the pool of blood, Lisa wore her wedding dress. It was stained with blood. Dean remembered thinking of Sam when they made love on their wedding night. He married Lisa to protect Sammy, but he had never gotten a chance to tell Sam that.

Dean glanced back to where Sam was supposed to be sleeping only to see Sam was gone again. He got up and sprinted back to the tree. He yelled, “Sammy!” Dean heard the trees rustle with monsters.

Then one of the monsters stepped out from the trees. The monster looked human and familiar. It was Alistair and he held a razor in his hand. His other hand was hidden from Dean’s view behind his back. Dean swallowed and stepped back. He tried to sound forceful when he said, “Where is Sammy?”

Alistair grinned and pulled his hand out from behind his back. He dropped intestines on the ground and shrugged, “I gutted him. Nice and quiet. He took it like a champ.”

Dean felt his eyes fill with tears and he whispered out, “No.” He went over to the ground and knelt down. Dean touched the intestines and he screamed when he saw Sam’s blood on his hands. He felt himself start to sob as he held onto to the intestines. It felt to Dean like this was the last piece of Sammy he would ever get to touch.

It was then Dean realized something. The toy soldier Sam kept. It was the only piece of Dean that Sam had for years. Sam died holding it in his hand. Dean remembered that. That toy was significant to Sam. Dean wasn’t really sure why but he took his knife out of his pocket and cut his hand. Dean let his blood drip on the intestines for a moment.

He whispered, “Please come back to me, Sammy.” Dean closed his eyes as nothing happened. He sobbed and covered his face with his bloody hands.

Dean felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned to see Sammy standing there. This Sam was about fourteen and covered in scars. Sam signed, “I’m sorry.”

Dean was confused as he looked from Sam to the intestines on the ground. Only he didn’t see a pile of intestines. He saw Lisa’s body on the ground and her insides (intestines included) were spilling out everywhere. Dean fell back and moved away from her. He glanced back at Sammy and asked, “What are you sorry for?”

Sam frowned and walked over to Lisa. He gave Lisa’s body a hard push and they both watched it roll down the hill into the pit of blood. Sam took a silent breath and signed, “Being your soulmate because of me you had a bad life and now this is because of me.”

Dean stood up and wiped the blood that covered his hands off on his jeans. He said carefully, “Sammy, listen to me. I am glad you’re my soulmate. I want to get you some place safe. Can you stay with me while I do that?”

Sam nodded and signed, “Safe like when you left me at the party?”

Dean shook his head no and said carefully, “No, I’m sorry. Not like that, I want you to be happy. Your life was Hell because of me and I am not going to let your afterlife be Hell because of me.”

Sam smiled and signed, “I forgive you, Dean. I forgive you for leaving me and hating me. I forgive you for not loving me when I needed you the most. I forgive you with for everything, yet you don’t forgive me or yourself.” Sam let a couple tears fall down his face with his words.

Dean sighed and said defensively, “Yeah well, you still haven’t forgiven yourself for being Azazel’s bitch boy. I can harbor some guilt.” Dean winced as soon as the words left his mouth. He knew he should have never spoken to his soulmate like that. He knew it was wrong to blame the victim.

Sam looked genuinely hurt and Dean didn’t know what to say. What confused Dean was when Sam signed, “I miss Azazel.”

Dean thought the world might as well imploded. He asked angrily, “Why in the world would you miss him? Jesus Sammy, just think about what he did too.”

Sam frowned a little and signed, “He was all I ever knew for twelve years. He wasn’t my father or caretaker. He was my master. It was a simpler life with him. He hurt me and he didn’t love me. No one loved me. That was easy to accept. It was easy to follow orders and survive. I miss that simplicity.”

Dean let out a slow breath and said calmly, “It’s okay, Sammy. I get it and I forgive you for feeling that way. How about we find something else you miss, like the sky or Dad? I think we need to find someplace where you will be safe.”


	5. Castiel and Gabriel

Castiel glared at Gabriel. They were standing on top of a large hill overlooking a forest. Castiel loved the forest. Mostly because of the native bees that lived in the forest. He found those fascinating and he spent much of his free time studying bees. He couldn’t have bees at their home because Ben was allergic. It was disappointing but he would rather not kill his daughter’s soulmate.

Castiel sighed and flexed his wings. He was still getting used to them. Gabriel and Castiel had made it to the highest realm of Heaven. They were essentially angels. They didn’t need to have wings but Gabriel was endlessly amused by the wings. Castiel tolerated the wings.

He asked Gabriel grumpily, “Why do my wings have to be black while yours are gold?”

Gabriel shrugged and flexed his wings. He grinned at Castiel as he ruffled Castiel’s hair. “Your hair was black. My hair was this golden color. It makes sense.”

Castiel sighed and flared his wings a little. He countered, “My hair was a greyish white when I died.”

Gabriel gave Castiel a soft kiss on the lips and whispered, “You were still the most handsome man, I ever laid eyes on.”

Castiel chuckled a little and kissed Gabriel back. He wrapped his arms around Gabriel and said softly, “I don’t think I was very handsome toward the end.”

Gabriel wrapped his wings around Castiel protectively. Castiel was starting to understand Gabriel’s fascination with wings. Gabriel whispered, “I didn’t see an old man on that bed, Castiel. I saw my best friend, my soulmate, and my brother. You were perfect when you were a baby in diapers.” Gabriel kissed one of Castiel’s cheeks. “You were perfect when you married me.” Gabriel kissed Castiel’s other cheek. “You were perfect when you got your first grey hair.” Gabriel kissed Castiel’s nose. “You were perfect when you got wrinkles.” Gabriel kissed Castiel’s lips. “You were perfect when your grandchildren were born.” Gabriel kissed Castiel’s lips again and whispered. “You were perfect when you took your last breath.”

Castiel felt a couple tears fall down his face. He sniffled as Gabriel wiped the tears away. Castiel protested weakly, “I was eighty when I died and I wore diapers for the last few months.”

Gabriel grinned and kissed Castiel again. Gabriel said softly, “You were still handsome. Even if you were a little cranky.”

Castiel scoffed, “I was not cranky.”

Gabriel laughed and said happily, “For a man that died of cancer, you weren’t that cranky. But if anyone tried to put sugar on your oatmeal instead of honey, you were cranky until lunch.”

Castiel laughed and intertwined his fingers with Gabriel’s. He said softly but sincerely, “I am sorry you died because of me.”

Gabriel kissed the top of Castiel’s head and said quietly, “I’m not. I had to live without you for the first four years of my life. I couldn’t imagine living without you. It.. Death.. It didn’t really hurt like I thought it would. I could feel you dying which I guess was my body shutting down too. I just stared into your eyes and I never doubted anything. I.. I felt blessed.”

Castiel glanced out from in between Gabriel’s wings and he nearly fell over himself in surprise. He knew he sounded shocked when he said, “Gabe, it’s Sam and Garth.”

Gabriel grinned at Castiel and gave his soulmate one more kiss before they flew over to Sam and Garth. Gabriel was excited to see Sam and Garth. He happily said, “Sam.. Garth… It is so good to see you both.” Gabriel felt Castiel tuck himself close so Gabriel wrapped an arm around his soulmate. He gently kissed the top of Castiel’s head.

Sam smiled slightly and said in a much stronger voice than he had in life, “I am okay. We are okay I guess. I don’t know where Dean is. I think he is in Hell. I can feel him hurting.”

Gabriel huffed out a breath and said kindly, “You forgive him for cheating on you? Betraying you? Killing you?”

Sam shrugged and defended lightly, “Dean never betrayed me like that. I know.. I know he did some bad things but I don’t think his goal was ever to intentionally hurt me. When he killed me, I was finally free. Life was not good to me.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes as he got jabbed in the side by Castiel. He knew that was Castiel’s way of saying that he should stop being a dick. Gabriel decided to joke around to lighten the mood. “That is okay, Cassie killed me.”

Castiel looked downright offended by that statement and that caused Gabriel to laugh even harder. Castiel said firmly, “I had cancer. I died first.”

Gabriel laughed as he kissed Castiel’s lips and whispered, “And where my soulmate goes so shall I follow.”

Garth laughed awkwardly and Gabriel realized that soulmates were different for Sam and Garth.  Garth said a little nervously, “So did you guys have a good life?”

Castiel beamed and said, “The best. I lived until I was 80 and Gabriel was 84.”

Garth knitted his brow together and asked curiously, “What was it like to grow old?” Gabriel knew that people said that growing old was a privilege denied to many. He knew he took the privilege of growing old for granted. He also knew on how much life Sam and Garth missed. It wasn’t anything big or perhaps it was big. He didn’t know for sure. All Gabriel knew was that it was the little moments here and there that made life magical.

Gabriel smiled and said cheerfully, “I can show you.”

Gabriel snapped his fingers and they were in their sixties again. Claire and Ben had a son which they named Samuel John. Gabriel thought it was a funny sounding name but the fit the kid. Gabriel and Castiel were watching a college graduation for Samuel John or SJ as he liked to be called.

Sam glanced at Gabriel and asked curiously, “Where are we?”

Gabriel smiled, “Well kiddo, since you missed out on so much, I figured Cas and I could give you a replay of the greatest hits. Right now, we are watching your namesake graduate college. He grew up to be a lawyer. Samuel John specialized in children’s rights and the like.”

Gabriel watched as Sam’s eyes found SJ. Gabriel was proud of his grandson. Sam whispered out, “Who named their child after me? I was never that important.”

Gabriel put a hand on Sam’s shoulder as he watched SJ cross the stage. He said softly, “That young man is my grandson and yours for all intents and purposes. Ben and Claire named their first born after you… Or as Ben put it after his father and grandfather.”

Sam looked confused for a moment then he stammered out, “But Dean is Ben’s father, not me.”

Gabriel sighed and said something he said to Ben a million times. “Sometimes, being a parent is more than whose sperm was used. Being a parent is the one that was there. I know you may not remember it, but Ben talked to you every day until you died. I think..”

Sam cut Gabriel off and whispered, “I could hear him and see him sometimes. I just couldn’t respond.” Sam smiled. “He’d always work out his problems by talking to me and I never said a word.”

Castiel said calmly, “And that Sam was what made you Ben’s father. You were there for him to talk to and he never forgot that. You were and likely still are very important to him.”

Sam shook his head as his hair flopped in his face. He whispered out, “I’m nothing.”

Garth grabbed hold of Sam’s hand and gave it a squeeze. He said empathically, “You’re not nothing.”

++

After seeing a million different memories, Sam felt like his afterlife was a lot fuller. Castiel and Gabriel lived a good life. Sam still wanted to find his father and Dean. He wanted to find Dean most of all but he also wanted to hear his father say he was good. It was a silly little thing but John meant a lot to Sam and Sam missed him greatly.

They were in another memory. This one was of Claire’s second labor. They were in the delivery room and Claire had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl. They named this little girl Amelia. Sam thought it was a good name.

Despite this happy moment Sam found the courage to ask Gabriel, “Do you know how to get to Hell?” He really wanted to find his soulmate.

Gabriel stopped grinning over his new grandbaby and stared at Sam, “Excuse me.”

Sam said a little nervously, “I want to go to Hell to save Dean.”

Gabriel sat down the memory of his granddaughter and said firmly, “I am not sure you can. Castiel and I have access to the rules or whatever you want to call them about this afterlife. If you’re in Heaven; Dean cannot be in Hell. He is in Purgatory.”

Sam frowned and counted, “But he is in pain.”

Castiel spoke distractedly, “Sam, Dean has to pay for his… sins. Then you will be reunited.”

Sam shook his head no and he felt himself get angry. He said firmly, “No, I won’t let Dean suffer. I will find him. I will trade places with him if I have to but he is not going to get tortured.”

++

Dean saw the storm clouds form in the sky. It looked angry and fierce. The clouds carried a grey tinge and Dean knew this meant tornados. Or at least that was what it meant when he was alive. Dean had no idea what it meant in this place. All Dean knew was he had to get Sammy someplace safe before the weather hit. The problem was Dean didn’t know of any place that was safe and they didn’t even have shelter.

He walked over to Sam and took his hand. Dean still couldn’t feel Sam that well. There seemed to be a disconnection between the Sam in front of him and what Dean was feeling from Sam. Dean said steadily, but the fear he felt inside crept into his voice. “Sammy, we have to move.”

Sam glanced up at him and shrugged. There was acceptance from Sam. Dean felt Sam pull his hand away and sign, “It hurts less when you don’t put up a fight.”

Dean stared at Sam for a long moment while he tried to process that. He asked against his better judgement, “Is that what you did with Azazel? Did you stop fighting and just roll over for him?” Dean knew, of course, that Sam stopped fighting Azazel and the times Sam did disobey Azazel it was unintentional. He knew that he had harbored an unstated resentment toward Sam for years for not fighting with everything he had. Sometimes, Dean had to remind himself that Sam was a child and Sam didn’t know about a world outside of Azazel.

Sam looked hurt for a moment then his face was blank again. Dean felt a twinge of pain shoot through him. Sam stared at the clouds in the sky with a frown. Then he kicked away the grey leaves covering the ground and it revealed a metal door. Sam knelt down and opened the door as it began to rain.

The rain wasn’t like normal rain. It was blood red and stained the ground and leaves. Dean watched the blood rain leave droplets on Sam’s skin and hair. He knew he was getting covered in it himself but Dean didn’t care about that. He only cared about Sam.

Sam glanced back at Dean then he stepped into the darkness the open door had revealed. Dean found himself following. His question to Sam was left unanswered. Dean found himself in a whirlwind inside the darkness. He could hear the loud ominous squeal of tornado sirens. Aside from the sound Dean noticed that he couldn’t really move. He was curled up in the fetal position as the sirens squealed.

Dean couldn’t see a thing and Sam was gone. He sighed to himself. Sam had a thing with disappearing in this world. Dean felt the cool metal ground beneath him start to get wet. In the darkness, Dean ran his hand over the metal door above him. He could feel moisture dripping in through the cracks. He swallowed hard as he pulled his hand away. Dean didn’t know if he could die here but he was scared.

Fear wasn’t something that came by Dean Winchester easily. The water steadily increased around him and as it went up, Dean noticed that it seemed thicker than water like blood. Dean felt a shiver run through him as he realized he may be laying in a bed of blood.

Dean didn’t know where the Hell he was or how to get out of this. He laid there and waited as his anxiety and fear increased. Dean screamed when the liquid left only his nose free to get air. He yelled out, “Sammy.” Then Dean felt the liquid come to life. It radiated electric pain that Dean couldn’t escape himself. It was never ending.

He found himself floating through what now felt like a river. He could feel a current and waves as his body was moved but he was still boxed in. He was still unable to move. The first of the liquid entered Dean’s mouth as he screamed. It was blood. Dean could taste the coppery twang of the blood and that caused him to cry.

It wasn’t that Dean had never cried. He just reframed from it. He considered himself too strong to cry. Right now though, Dean felt anything but strong. The electric pain was constant and ever changing. It seemed to change with the currents.

The blood rose to a level inside Dean’s prison that caused him not to be able to get air. Unlike in life, death did not occur. Dean could feel the uncomfortable feeling of not being able to breathe. He could feel his lungs filling with blood. It hurt, so bad. Dean clawed at the ceiling to escape but it was all in vain.

Dean fought and fought against the blood. He fought and fought against the pain. The horrible electric pain. The electric pain made Dean think of lighting during a spring thunderstorm or maybe it was just the flashing light Dean kept seeing behind his eyes every time the pain surged. Throughout, Dean’s mind kept shifting back to Sam. He kept hoping against hope that Sam wasn’t feeling this. That Sam was safe.

It didn’t take long for or maybe it did for Dean to realize that time was nothing more than a curse from God. Time ticks and it slowly count downs one’s life. Time etches away everything someone was and changes them into something very different. The bright child that was once full of life becomes the bitter man in the nursing home. The child that feared the world becomes the fearful adult trying to make the world suck just a little less. Dean sometimes wondered where he fell in sands of time.

Time, it seemed, etched something very different into Dean. He had given up hope of ever getting out of the darkness of the box. He had given up hope of ever seeing the light again. Dean found that if he didn’t move, it hurt less. Sam’s words echoed through his head, _“It hurts less when you don’t put up a fight.”_ Dean thought now that truer words have never been spoken.

In the darkness, despite all the never ending pain, Dean forgave Sam for not fighting and for giving in. Dean forgave Sam for being the scared little boy. Dean forgave Sam for being different. Dean forgave Sam for sacrificing himself to save his life. Dean’s love for Sam never wavered but now he felt like he understood better.

He understood why Sam was the way he was. During all of Dean’s time in the darkness, he only had one thing to hold on to. He only had one thing that didn’t make him beg for death. He could feel Sam inside of him. He could feel Sam’s love for him. He could feel Sam’s.. happiness and perhaps even a longing from Sam to have Dean back.

It was what Dean felt from Sam that kept him from completely giving up.


	6. Chapter 6

After Sam had visited Gabriel and Castiel, he returned to his own Heaven alone. Sam wanted time to himself. He wanted time to think. Sam wasn’t sure how long he watched the waves break on the beach. It was a memory of the first time he saw the ocean. It was one of the few firsts he ever had the opportunity to share with Dean. It meant a lot to Sam to get to experience something with Dean that he hadn’t experienced either.

Sam glanced at his little toy army man. It was standing on the sands of the beach next to him. Sam had actually built a little tower for it to stand on. The army man made him feel less alone. It helped him when the pain he felt from Dean became unbearable. All Sam could think of during those times was how he forgave Dean for everything.

Even without Dean in his Heaven Sam learned how to be happy and he was happy here. Everything was perfect. He could replay his best days as many times as he wanted. He could create a Dean from his memories but it wasn’t really his soulmate. Sam knew this. It was just an empty shell like all the other people created from his memories.

Sam realized Heaven could be whatever it was he wanted. For him, it was the beach where he was at now. It was a beautiful garden surrounded by his uncle’s salvage yard. It was a house made out cushions from a sofa. It was being able to see the stars and the sky. It was being able to feel the wind touch his skin, to feel cold and to feel warm. It was all the little things that most people took for granted. But it was the little things that Sam was denied in his life for so long.

He still wanted to find his father and he wanted to rescue Dean. It was just, he didn’t know how to find his dad or Dean. There were doors in Heaven that led to other Heavens. This was how he found his uncle and his friends. However, Sam had been unable to find his father. There was a door that led to his mother, Mary. Sam never opened that door after the one time he visited. He never missed his mother. Sam longed for a mother figure but he never longed to actually know Mary. Deep down, Sam knew he hadn’t forgiven her for what she did to him.

Sam stared at the sky for a moment then back down at the water. This was when he saw something different enter his field of vision. It was something he didn’t create. It was a metal box that was covered in rust. The box waded through the water as it slowly approached Sam. For some reason, the box scared him. Sam shook his head and reminded himself that he was in Heaven and everything would be fine. There was no pain here.

He waited until the box reached the shore. Then he stared at it. Sam knew he should open it to see what was in it. Part of him wondered if this would be the door the led to his father. He was a little unsure and perhaps a little afraid when he did get up to open the door. When Sam reached the metal box, the first thing he noticed was the door was rusted closed.

Sam frowned a little. Then he went and picked up his army man. He put his toy in the pocket of his pants and headed back to his cushion fort house to find some supplies to open it. This suddenly felt like a challenge to Sam and he was filled with excitement.

A short time later, Sam returned to the metal box. Oddly, blood had seeped out on the sand surrounding the box. It was very odd. Even though it made Sam flitch, Sam hit a hammer to the lock on the metal box. It only took a couple swings before the lock was breaking away. Sam watched it fall off to the side.

Then Sam steadied himself and he opened the box. Inside the box, curled up in the fetal position was a rather haggard looking Dean. Sam could feel Dean. He could feel it when the light made Dean’s eyes squint. His soulmate had finally made it to Heaven. Sam reached down to touch Dean but Dean flinched away from him. It was a little unexpected.

Sam breathed a slow breath even though no air entered his lungs. Then he hauled Dean out of the box and onto the sands of the beach. It seemed as though Dean’s limbs were locked into position. Sam remembered being stuck in one position so long it hurt to move. Despite Dean’s flinching, Sam started to rub the top of Dean’s arm that was closest to him. He didn’t say anything to Dean. In life, Sam never knew the right words to say to his soulmate. Maybe they didn’t need words between them.

It took time and gentle rubbing, but Sam could feel Dean relaxing and he could feel Dean’s joints unlocking. It was only then that Dean croaked out, “Sammy, I’m sorry.”

Sam paused his rubbing and said softly, “So am I.” Sam resumed his rubbing and Dean stayed silent under him. He made it a little warmer on the beach and he let the tides wash away the bloody sand. Once Sam was sure Dean wasn’t hurting anymore, he moved away from his soulmate.

Sam perched a few feet away. He pulled his army man out of his pocket and started to fiddle with it. He had Dean now. His world was complete or at least it should be but Sam still felt lonely. He felt like his toy army man was his only friend in the world.

As if Dean could read his thoughts, Dean mumbled, “It’s not your only friend, Sammy.”

Sam glanced up at Dean and said a startled, “What?”

Dean repeated, “You had.. have.. a lot of friends. More than I ever had. You always had that unconditional love, you know? People loved you and liked you just because you were you… Because you survived a shit storm. But for me? No one ever loved me like that. There were always conditions and approvals to be met.” Dean paused and added, “Actually, that isn’t true. You never placed conditions on me. I knew you loved me. I could feel it. It.. I never deserved you, Sammy.”

Sam shrugged and fiddled with his toy. He whispered, “I gave you everything to make you happy.” It was true, Sam gave Dean everything he had. Sam gave Dean life while making himself into a vegetable. Sam saved Dean from pain over and over and over again. Through it all, Sam never once complained about. He just wanted Dean to be happy.

Dean frowned a little and murmured, “I wish we could have made each other happy.”

Sam thought about that for a moment. He wished that would have been possible too. He wished he could have grown up knowing Dean like Castiel and Gabriel. But his life wasn't nearly perfect like theirs. Sam’s life was different. He knew some would describe it as hard but that word didn’t seem quite right to Sam. Sam just wondered if maybe their life was a test from God that they failed at miserably. Maybe that was why he couldn’t find his dad.

Sam didn’t know how to right the past. However, he knew that they had time. Time was endless in Heaven. Sam smiled slightly and said nervously, “We could.. We could try that now.”

++

Dean had never been so relieved to be out of that box. It was a blessing and perhaps even a miracle. He was so glad to see Sam. An adult version of Sam that wasn’t covered in scars and most importantly not scared. When Sam touched him, Dean knew this was his soulmate. It wasn’t like when he touched the version of Sam from wherever he was. This person in front of him really was his Sammy.

It made Dean want to scream and perhaps cry, but he did neither. He just let Sam take care of him and fuss over him. This Sam was different from the Sam, Dean remembered in life. This Sam didn’t have that scared look in his eyes. The scars that were forced upon is the body wasn’t there and Dean sort of wondered if Sammy had his balls in Heaven. He figured it would be rude to ask.

Perhaps the best thing about Sammy in Heaven was that Sammy could move and he was happy. Nothing made Dean happier than a happy Sammy. However, Dean wasn’t an idiot. He knew they had things to talk about. Dean had apologies to make and forgiveness to beg for. However, right now, Dean just wondered what he could do to fix that longing he felt from Sam. Dean knew beyond a shadow of doubt that this emptiness was not for him.

Dean sat up slowly and stared at Sam. He smiled slightly and said, “How do you want me to make love to you?” For some reason, Dean always equated love with sex.

Sam glanced up at Dean then away. His little brother bluntly said, “You... You want to have sex with me.”

Dean frowned a little and tried to recover, “Well yes, I mean.. If you want to. Sex is an act of love.”

Sam’s look darkened for a moment but whatever it was Sam was thinking cleared quickly. However, the hurt Sam felt was still radiating from him. Sam carefully said, “No, I don’t know about that. Sex is about power and control. Sex was usually done by grown men whose goal was to make me suffer.” Sam paused and was clearly thinking about something. Then Sam whispered out, “I only had sex with you, because I wanted you to like me. I hated the way it made my body feel. It felt like I didn’t have control.”

Dean let out a slow breath and steadied himself. He said carefully, “Okay, we don’t have to have sex. It was.. just a suggestion. Can I.. Can I hold you? It’s just I was locked inside that box for so long. The only thing I had was what I felt inside from you. I.. I knew you were happy and I could feel your love for me. I held onto that with all I had. It was the only thing I had.”

Sam smiled slightly and admitted, “That was the way I felt for my entire life.”

++

Sam let Dean wrap his arms around him and for the first time, Sam felt himself feel completely whole. It was as if he found that missing piece of himself. Sam pulled his toy soldier out of his pocket and looked it. He could see Dean looking over his shoulder. Sam glanced back at Dean and smiled. Heaven was truly a paradise now that he had Dean. There were perks to laying on the beach in Heaven. There was no sand sticking to his skin. The sand laid perfectly on the ground and didn’t bother him. It did remind Sam that Heaven wasn’t real.

There was still one thing that Sam wanted. He wanted to find his dad. Sam wasn’t sure how long he laid on the beach with Dean but eventually, Sam asked, “Would you like to put together a puzzle?”

Dean chuckled against his back and then he kissed the back of his head. His soulmate said happily, “Sure Sammy.”

Together Sam and Dean walked hand in hand back to Sam’s house made out of cushions. There they stepped inside and sat down on the floor. The puzzle pieces were already scattered around the soft ground beneath them.

They worked in silence for hours on the puzzle. Sam found he didn’t need words to communicate with Dean. He had always struggled with words and expressing himself. He didn’t have to do that anymore. When the puzzle was finally finished Sam saw that it was a door. Sam glanced curiously at Dean who just shrugged.

Then ever so carefully, Sam opened the door. It felt like he was falling than flying. Then he was back home. Sam could smell his father’s cinnamon rolls in the oven and he could see his home. It was his first Christmas with his dad and soulmate. Sam wandered to the kitchen where he knew his father was.

There Sam smiled as he saw his dad with a younger version of Dean putting cinnamon rolls on a baking tray. Dean, the real Dean, put a hand on Sam’s shoulder and cleared his throat. John looked up and Sam smiled brightly at his father.

John moved from where he was and gave Sam a hug. Sam could feel his joy and Sam said the only thing he could, “Dad, I’ve missed you so much.”

John stepped back and they stared into each other’s eyes and his dad said, “I am glad you’re home, Sammy.” John glanced back at Dean and bluntly, “You better be treating this one right.”

Sam frowned a little and said carefully, “He is. God made him pay but he is forgiven. I forgive him and he forgives me.”

John nodded and decided to change the subject. He said quietly, “It’s okay, Sammy. I don’t want to take Dean away from you. You're a good son and you have never had anything to ask for forgiveness for." John motioned to the room around them. "This is my favorite memory of you boys. Watch what Dean does while I talk to you.”

Sam watched as his father talked to him about family traditions and what was going to be happening. His eyes were on Dean this time. In life, his eyes were on his father. Sam watched Dean eat two whole cinnamon rolls in four bites when he thought John wasn’t looking. Sam found it funny that Dean was trying to be sneaky.

For the first time, Sam laughed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End. 
> 
> I hope everyone enjoyed this story. Thanks for the kudos and the comments.

**Author's Note:**

> I truly enjoy reading comments on the stories I write. However, I don't enjoy reading comments from trolls and if I were to guess, most people don't want to read trolling comments left on stories either. 
> 
> Because of trolls, I have comment moderation. This should not be seen as me trying to discourage you from posting your thoughts. It is not. This is me deleting the comments of trolls before they are ever posted, so that everyone can feel express themselves without hateful comments.


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